A Mary Sue Tale
by Selene 147
Summary: The typical, classical, slightly terrifying tale of someone whose name won't fit here. An absolutely gorgeous walking contradiction, she is shocked to discover... well? There's only one way to find out! Read and Review! ON PERMANENT HIATUS
1. Meet Raven!

_**Disclaimer: **Would J.K. Rowling ever write something like this? What? She would? What were you doing going through her trash bin? The characters that don't make you cringe belong to previously stated genius. The plot belongs to the genius who invented the concept of a parody._

_**A/N:** This is a parody. Meaning, read only if you can take a joke. This is not an insult to any particular OC. If you have a character like the ones here, I'm so sorry. That must be rough. But this wasn't stolen from you. I promise. This is a parody of two things. 1) Mary Sues (obviously) and 2) My own strange habit of using parenthesis often._

_The typical, classical, slightly terrifying tale of someone whose name won't fit here. An absolutely gorgeous walking contradiction, she is shocked to discover... well? There's only one way to find out! Read and Review!_

**A Mary Sue Tale**

**By: Selene 147**

There once existed a Perfect (yes, capitalized) Being. Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke (her mother was obsessed with names and couldn't decide on just one) Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen Yasmin Sakura Unity Elvina (it truly is unfortunate she can't go by only her initials) Gwendolyn Victoria Juliet Brianna Laura Eve Star was, in every sense of the word, perfect.

She had silky, cascading hair that tumbled down her back in glorious waves of sunlight (ignoring the fact that sunlight isn't a color). Her eyes were like pale saphires that glistened in the soft light of the moon. Or, would it be emeralds? It's difficult to say, because her eyes changed color at random. She had lightly tanned skin, and her body was both slender and curvy (needless to say, she was "filled out in all the right places").

Now, Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen Yasmin Sakura Unity Elvina Gwendolyn-- oh screw it, we'll just call her Raven-- unfortunately had a very tragic past. Just recently her parents died in a fire (brace yourselves, this is very sad). Her father had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette. Her mother, of course, didn't smoke (she had to maintain the lung capacity to shout Raven's full name). The house wasn't burned at all (luckily) but about ten minutes after the fire was extinguished, Raven checked the mail to find she was being evicted (not so luckily).

So a recently homeless Raven boarded a plane (one must take a moment to wonder where she got the money) and left her beloved Southern California for the United Kingdom, because she would like to be viewed as tragic and it would be _much_ more tragic to be homeless there (doesn't she have some truly derranged logic?).

When she arrived in London, she was all smiles, despite the fact that her parents just died (she didn't like them anyway. She happened to be tragically abused). She was just looking around, wondering what to do next, when an owl dropped something on her perfect head (actually, it dropped two things, one of which was very wet and nasty).

Raven discovered the first object to be an envelope made from yellowish parchment. On it were the words

_Miss R.A.R.D.X.B.S.M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.G.V.J.B.L.E.S. Weston_

_Middle of the Street_

_London_

_Oh my gosh that's me!_ (well that's obvious) she thought as she tore the letter open.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL**

**_of_ WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY**

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

_Dear Miss Weston,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books andequiptment. Term begins September 1._

_Yours Sincerely, _

_Minerva McGonagall_

Deputy Headmistress

Raven was ecstatic._ I'm a witch! Which I had no idea about! I'm going to Hogwarts! Which I've never heard of! I'm so excited! Term starts tomorrow! I've got to go shopping! I think I've got owl crap in my hair! _She was having difficulty keeping herself from bouncing with excitement.

Grinning, she skipped off to find Diagon Alley (and then, hopefully, to take a shower).

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_**A/N:** Idiotic isn't it? I live off of reviews, but the only person allowed to flame is Kitty (and that's only because I promised her she could, back when this was still just a plot bunny. Last November). This is unbeta'd, so please, please please point out my spelling and grammar mistakes. But not continuity mistakes, as those are intentional. I have the entire fic written in my notebook, but not typed, and I'm a slow typer, so... expect an update whenever. But only if enough nice people click that little purple button below!_


	2. The Next Day

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything and I'm making no money on this. Honestly, how could I make money, as the only characters I've created are sickeningly cliche and the other ones belong to J.K. Rowling, Actually, it's kinda an insult to say that the other characters belong to her, as they have been OOCified to fit this parody's design._

_**A/N:** This is a parody. Meaning, read only if you can take a joke. This is not an insult to any particular OC. If you have a character like the ones here, I'm so sorry. That must be rough. But this wasn't stolen from you. I promise. The use of parenthesis lessens each chapter._

_The typical, classical, slightly terrifying tale of someone whose name won't fit here. An absolutely gorgeous walking contradiction, she is shocked to discover... well? There's only one way to find out! Read and Review!_

**A MARY SUE TALE**

**By: Selene 147**

Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen Yasmin Sakura Unity Elvina Gwendolyn Victoria Juliet Brianna Laura Eve Star Weston walked into King's Cross the next day with a trendy trunk and a wolf (she just couldn't resist getting a pet that went against the rules) in tow. She found Platform 9 3/4 without trouble (hmm. I wonder how she managed that) and was soon looking up at a scarlet steam engine.

She sighed happily, completely ignoring the wolf whistles she got from nearly every male in the vicinity, and jumped (not literally) aboard the train.

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Ron, who was sitting nearest the window, let out a loud groan.

"What is it Ron?" asked Hermione, not even looking up from her book.

"We've got another one."

"A Mary Sue?" asked Harry.

"Yep."

Hermione slammed her book shut, her eyes flashing dangerously. It was common knowledge she considered Mary Sues to be an insult to women. Harry and Ron couldn't understand the logic behind this, but they accepted it.

Ron saw that she was moments from having a fit. "Woah, Hermione, calm down, ok? Just smile and read, she'll leave after a few minutes. I promise."

Hermione glared at him (she detests being told what to do by anyone other than a teacher) but reopened her book anyway. Just then, the door opened.

"Hi, may I sit here?" Raven asked (because it's inevitabe that of all the compartments on the train, a Mary Sue is going to sit with the trio).

"Sure." said Harry, looking at his feet. He could still remember Ginny's reaction the last time he was caught looking at a Mary Sue.

"Thanks. By the way, my name is Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen--"

"That's enough," said Ron. "We get it."

"Okay, well, this is my wolf Tobey. She has psychic powers. Don't mess with her."

None of them quite knew what to say to this. Hermione stared at her book, Harry stared at his feet, and Ron... well, Ron couldn't decide _what_ to stare at, so his head was spinning rapidly between the window, Hermione, and Raven.

"Harry?" Raven asked, to break the uncomfortable silence she had created.

"Yeah?" He reluctantly looked up to find Raven gazing at him dreamily. Honestly, he was a bit freaked out by it.

"Has anybody ever told you that you have the sexiest eyes I've ever seen?"

"Well... actually yeah. Ginny has. Quite a few times."

"Well forget whoever that is, can't you tell that you and I are meant to be together?"

Harry stared at her.

"Ok, well, you don't really have to _forget_ her, but we can still be together! I won't tell if you won't."

Harry continued to stare at her. By this time Hermione had looked up from her book and was giving Ron a glare that said quite plainly, _You said she would be gone in a minute!_

Ron shrugged at her, which could have meant one of several things._ I have no idea what you're talking about, don't give me that look! _or _She still might leave any second you know. _or_ Sorry, whoever said I was passing Divination?_

"Er... no."said Harry, lookin at the girl as though she'd lost her mind.

Raven looked mildly dejected. "Oh well then. There's always other straight guys out there. As hard as they may be to find in fanfiction."

To change the subject, Ron said, "So, Raven Auraura Rose... I'm sorry, I can't remember the rest."

"That's ok, just call me Raven."

"Raven, ok... why haven't we seen you around here before?" Hermione tried to kick him but he moved away in time. Ron and Harry found the (alarmingly similar) Mary Sue pasts amusing.

"Well, my parents died in a fire recently--"

"My sympathies." said Harry.

"It's alright. Anyway, when they died I traveled to England, and yesterday I got a letter, and it told me I'm a witch, so I went to Diagon Alley, visited the library there, and learned absolutely everything about the magical world and my parents and family history, all in one day. It turns out that my mother, despite being a muggle, was a fabulously talented witch. She was also kind of a slut too..."

There was a ringing silence, before Hermione said, "That doesn't make any sense! You can't be a muggle _and_ a witch."

"Nothing makes logical sense in a fanfic like this." Raven said dismissively. "Oh I just had a thought! You might be my long-lost brother Harry!"

Harry looked completely disgusted. "Then... why were you hitting on me a minute ago?"

Raven opened her mouth to reply, but before she could, the door burst open. Malfoy and his bodyguards had come by to annoy the trio (because he just has nothing better to do. As usual). When Malfoy saw Raven his sneer turned into a grin (he loves Mary Sues. Very, very much.)

"Hey Beautiful." (ooh, _very_ cunning compliment! Truly a remark worthy of your House.) said Malfoy (to Raven, obviously. But I still had to make that clear, what with the slash fans out there).

"Hey." she said back, practically melting from his hottness.

"So, uh... empty compartment?"

"Right behind you!"

The door closed with a bang as Crabbe and Goyle seemed to vanish into oblivion, and the trio was alone again. Ron turned to Hermione.

"Told you she wouldn't be here long."

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_**A/N:** See, it's longer this time. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but... No offence meant to slash fans.There. That is the only time you will ever see those words from me. This is unbeta'd, so please point out my spelling and grammar mistakes. But not continuity mistakes, as those are mostly intentional. I live off of reviews, I really do, and if you want to see me alive to type chapter three, be nice and click that little purple button!_

_-Cherry_


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